The guilt of miscarriage

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It is estimated that 1 in 4 women will experience a miscarriage.  For many, having a miscarriage is a devastating loss that leads to a roller coaster of emotions. One common emotion many women hesitate to talk about is guilt. When you have a miscarriage there is a large amount of guilt associated with it because you feel like you did something wrong.  

 

Different types of guilt with a miscarriage:

1. The Guilt of It was my job. You may feel that that having a baby is part of your role as a woman and a wife. You might feel guilty that this is your job and since this is your job and you did not give birth to a healthy baby you have failed your job. You might have been taught that pregnancy and motherhood come naturally (and easily might I add) so when you are not able to maintain a healthy pregnancy there are strong feelings of guilt.

2. The Guilt of I did something wrong. If you believe #1, that it was your job to get pregnant and have a baby, than this is usually where the second layer of guilt sets in. If you could not do "your job" than you must have done something wrong. Did I drink too much caffeine? Was I exercising too much or not enough? Was it that glass of wine I had before I knew I was pregnant? You probably have come up with a dozen things that might have caused your miscarriage and concluded that is was your fault. 

3. The Guilt of what if I can't get pregnant again. If it was your job and you did something wrong than you might be feeling it is quite possible that you cannot get pregnant again. You may fear that you have already lost a baby and now you feel the guilt of what if I already lost one baby and I will never be able to have another. You might feel that this was your only chance and you did something wrong to cause this. You might feel that this is punishment for something else that happened in your life.

Guilt is an intense emotion and a very real part of the healing process of losing a baby in early pregnancy. There is help working to challenge these negative thoughts and normalize these feelings. If you have experienced early pregnancy loss it is not your fault, and  you are not alone. To learn more about guilt and other common feelings after a miscarriage or more information about the free monthly miscarriage support group please contact Julie at 608.239.4807 or julie@kullcounselingmadison.com

Surviving the holidays after early pregnancy loss/miscarriage

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In 1963, Andy Williams sang, "It's the most wonderful time of the year."

If you have experienced an early pregnancy loss you may feel differently. The holidays can be a difficult time of the year for many, but can be especially difficult if you have experienced a  miscarriage.

You may be dreading parties because people do know and are uncomfortable about what to say or  people do not know and are asking when you are planning on starting or growing your family. Or maybe you are dreading opening holiday cards of pictures of friends and family with their children or you may be dreading sending out your own without your child. 

You might be celebrating the anniversary of your loss, a due date or your child's first holiday. Perhaps you were waiting for Christmas to announce your upcoming birth. You might have already made plans for what this holiday would look like with a new baby.  It is easy to feel triggered around the holidays when much of it is centered around family and children.

Wherever you are in your journey, and whatever stage you are at in your grief, here are a few ideas to help through the holiday season.

Tips for getting through the holiday season after an early pregnancy loss:

1. Get extra support - You need additional support during this time. Whether this is doubling up on support groups,  additional therapy sessions or just making plans with those that support you and your loss. If you are  religious, this may include attending services or seeking support through other church members. 

Support groups for miscarriage in the Madison, WI area:

https://www.kullcounselingmadison.com/miscarriage-support-group/

http://www.bereavedparentsofmadison.com

2. Say No - You do not have to do everything. It is okay to say no, whether this is to a party, a family gathering or sending out holiday cards. You especially do not need to do anything that triggers you or that is not a good space for you right now.

3. Practice kindness - During the holidays you tend to practice gratitude and kindness towards each other. Practice kindness and gratitude towards yourself. You may feel like you should be over your grief by now or that you were doing so well and that you took a step backwards-be patient with yourself. Do extra self care during this season: cooking, going for a walk, yoga, practicing mindfulness, reading a book, talking to a friend, or going on a date with your partner are just a few ideas.

4. Honor your baby - you may find it comforting to start a tradition to remember your baby during the holidays. This may look like buying an ornament that honors them or lighting a candle on your holiday to honor their presence. It could be volunteering or buying a gift for someone in need. Whatever this may look like for you, if you want your baby to be part of your holidays you can do it and let the important people in your life know what you need to honor your baby so they can support you.

Please remember if you are grieving a miscarriage you are not alone. If you need help during the holidays, Kull Counseling can help. Please contact  608.239.4807 or julie@kullcounselingmadison.com for more information.

5 things no one tells you about a miscarriage

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A miscarriage is defined as the loss of a pregnancy before 20 weeks. It is estimated that 1 in 5 women will have a miscarriage. While many women have a miscarriage, it still remains a taboo subject, and can be very isolating for a woman to go through. 

5 things no one tells you about a miscarriage:

1.  It is a major loss - Going through a miscarriage is a major loss; whether you were 4 weeks pregnant or 20 weeks pregnant. Every woman has a different reaction and experience with miscarriage, and needs time to process and grieve what they have gone through.

2. The physical process can last weeks, if not months - Some women will miscarry at home while others will require medical interventions. Miscarriages can last weeks before they are completed. Because hormones are in the body some woman can continue to experience pregnancy symptoms such as nausea and weight gain. Once a miscarriage has completed it can take months for a woman's body to acknowledge they are no longer pregnant.

3. The mental process can last longer - Miscarriages are tough to deal with and can make you feel alone. People will try their best to support you and help you through your miscarriage, but may not understand what you are experiencing. In addition many people do not feel comfortable discussing having a miscarriage, which can make it feel isolating when you are experiencing one.

4. Your partner's grief will be different than yours -  It can be difficult to understand how your spouse or significant other feels.  Everyone experiences grief differently. While your grief can be different it is still possible to support each other. Open communication is key in understanding your partners grief.

5. It's okay to want to try again - Medical providers have different recommendations on when you can start trying again. Some for medical reasons and others for emotional/mental readiness. No one can tell you when you will feel ready to try again. It is something that each person will have to assess for herself. 

Each person's experience with miscarriage is completely unique and there is no "right way" to process grief. Not every person that experiences a miscarriage will need extra support, but if you feel like you need support through a miscarriage please contact Kull Counseling, LLC at 608.239.4807 or julie@kullcounselingmadison.com.