The guilt of miscarriage

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It is estimated that 1 in 4 women will experience a miscarriage.  For many, having a miscarriage is a devastating loss that leads to a roller coaster of emotions. One common emotion many women hesitate to talk about is guilt. When you have a miscarriage there is a large amount of guilt associated with it because you feel like you did something wrong.  

 

Different types of guilt with a miscarriage:

1. The Guilt of It was my job. You may feel that that having a baby is part of your role as a woman and a wife. You might feel guilty that this is your job and since this is your job and you did not give birth to a healthy baby you have failed your job. You might have been taught that pregnancy and motherhood come naturally (and easily might I add) so when you are not able to maintain a healthy pregnancy there are strong feelings of guilt.

2. The Guilt of I did something wrong. If you believe #1, that it was your job to get pregnant and have a baby, than this is usually where the second layer of guilt sets in. If you could not do "your job" than you must have done something wrong. Did I drink too much caffeine? Was I exercising too much or not enough? Was it that glass of wine I had before I knew I was pregnant? You probably have come up with a dozen things that might have caused your miscarriage and concluded that is was your fault. 

3. The Guilt of what if I can't get pregnant again. If it was your job and you did something wrong than you might be feeling it is quite possible that you cannot get pregnant again. You may fear that you have already lost a baby and now you feel the guilt of what if I already lost one baby and I will never be able to have another. You might feel that this was your only chance and you did something wrong to cause this. You might feel that this is punishment for something else that happened in your life.

Guilt is an intense emotion and a very real part of the healing process of losing a baby in early pregnancy. There is help working to challenge these negative thoughts and normalize these feelings. If you have experienced early pregnancy loss it is not your fault, and  you are not alone. To learn more about guilt and other common feelings after a miscarriage or more information about the free monthly miscarriage support group please contact Julie at 608.239.4807 or julie@kullcounselingmadison.com

Honoring your due date

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Your "due date". 

If you have experienced an early pregnancy loss, you might be overwhelmed with emotions when thinking about these two words.  It might feel like a deadline for you or a last hurdle you are waiting for to move from depression to acceptance. You might even feel that your due date will be the time that you start letting yourself grieve. If you have experienced an early pregnancy loss an upcoming due date might be weighing heavily on your mind. According to clinical psychologist Kirstin Bouse, via www.essentialbaby.com, "Commemorating your baby's due date isn't just a way to reflect on how important your baby was to you, it's also a vital step in the grieving process."

While everyone must find the best way to grieve and honor their baby on their due date, here are some ideas that have helped others:

1. Find something that memorializes your baby.  You may find that it is healing to have something that memorializes your baby. You may find that a piece of jewelry that you can wear is meaningful- an initial, name, date or symbol can be printed on necklaces, rings or bracelets to help you remember your baby. You might find that getting a tattoo would help you to honor your baby. Other ideas include a statue, stuffed animal, plaque, or plant are ways that you might honor your baby. You might find it to be healing to create a memory box adding any pictures, poems, toys, outfits, or other momentos that help you to remember your baby.

2. Donate. Whether this is your time or money, you may find comfort in making a donation to a charity in honor of your baby on his/her due date. Donating can be a wonderful way to not only memorialize your baby but to also help others.

3. Surround yourself with family and loved ones. You may fine it helpful to surround yourself with loved ones on this day. Those who know and will help you to honor your baby. It may be helpful for you to talk about it with others, to have a celebration in your baby's honor or simply to just be surrounded by love.

4. Spend time alone. You may find it comforting to be alone.  You may want time to process what this day means to you by yourself. You may not want to talk about the day. You may find it comforting to write about your baby or use art to process your feelings about the day.

5. Take a vacation or a staycation.  You and your partner may enjoy taking time off from work to go out of town or to have a mini vacation in town. It might help you to celebrate the day by making some happy memories or it just might be a good distraction to get through the day.

These are a few suggestions that have helped others. Everyone grieves differently and you have to find what is right for you. If you are having a hard time processing your grief or are feeling stuck there is help.

For more information about grieving after a pregnancy loss please contact Kull Counseling, LLC at 608.239.4807 or julie@kullcounselingmadison.com

 

Facebook-helpful or hurtful

Facebook comes up at least once a day in my counseling sessions. Social support and distraction can be two positive coping mechanisms for dealing with anxiety. Facebook helps us to reconnect and stay in touch with family or friends. It also provides an "in the moment" distraction to take our minds away from uncomfortable feelings. While this all sounds pretty good there are other effects of using Facebook, and other social media platform.

When someone posts a picture on Facebook they are taking just a small snapshot of their life. Sometimes looking at others' pictures of their perfectly orchestrated photos can leave you with feelings of insecurity, inferiority, sadness or jealousy. Sometimes going onto social media can lead you to a downward spiral of spending hours a day torturing yourself with other people's "happy" lives.

The moral of the story is that social media can be a great tool if you use it right. Connect with others, keep in touch. If you find yourself feeling down or stressed from using social media it might be time to log off.

If you are interested in hearing more about healthy ways to deal with anxiety/or stress please contact Julie C Kull, LCSW at Kull Counseling, LLC. 608.239.4807.

 

Anxiety toolbox

I recently had the pleasure of presenting an anxiety toolbox to the Counseling Staff at Edgewood College. I co-presented with Meagan Geurts of Megan Geurts Counseling. As the Fall semester is about half way over the students are well into mid terms and some even looking ahead to finals in another month. This is also the time of year that anxiety starts to peak with students.

Meagan and I were able to discuss some techniques that we use in our sessions to help our clients. One of my favorite tools that i discussed is 4 square breathing. It is a great exercise that can be used in the moment with anxiety.

4 square breathing looks like this: breath in to the count of 4, hold to the count of 4, exhale to the count of 4 and hold to the count of 4. Repeat until you feel your heart rate begin to come down and your breathing slows down.

When I teach relaxation techniques in my session I remind my clients that it takes practice to learn a new skill. I encourage clients to practice 2-3 times a day for 1-2 weeks.

What techniques do you use to decrease anxiety?

For more techniques to help you cope with anxiety please contact Julie C Kull, LCSW at Kull Counseling. 608.239.4807