#miscarriage matters...my story

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October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. I hope that sharing my story may help someone else find comfort and strength.

This Thanksgiving will mark 4 years since I said goodbye to one of the men that I respected most in this world, my grandfather. As the priest mentioned later at his funeral, it was so fitting that he died on Thanksgiving because he was the most thankful and giving man despite facing many challenges in his life. It was difficult to say goodbye to him, and bittersweet, as I had a secret that only my sisters knew, I was pregnant with my second child.

Fast forward 5 days later and I was sitting at the doctor’s office with my husband and one year old waiting for our 8 week ultrasound. I remember thinking how lucky I felt and how it almost did not feel real. I could not wait to show our daughter that she had a sibling on the way.

The doctor’s office confirmed my pregnancy with a blood test, so it was on to the ultrasound. As the tech started to move the wand around she was silent. I looked at the screen and knew immediately that something was wrong. I had seen what a 8 week ultrasound looked like with my first child and I knew this baby did not have a heartbeat. What happened next is a blur of talking with the doctor, crying, and feeling so empty. I will never forget the nurse that sat me down to go over my options with me telling me how sorry she was and that she had had 4 miscarriages. In that moment, hearing her story gave me strength to get through that day.

I decided to wait hoping that the baby would come out naturally on its own. I spent the next few weeks trying to heal and also let go. I went to my grandfather’s funeral, showing little emotion, fearing that any emotion would lead to a breakdown or trigger the miscarriage.

The baby did not come out on its own. The miscarriage took an entire month to complete. It was a month filled with pain, bleeding, and doctor’s appointments.

After the physical symptoms had subsided, the emotional ones had kicked in. Every person that has had a miscarriage is different and everyone reacts differently. I was embarrassed, ashamed and heart broken. I felt like my body had one job in life and it failed. I told a few people in my support circle. Some people were great, some people had a hard time relating. Support came from surprising places. Even with this support I felt really lonely. I looked for resources in the community and nothing was the right fit. Based on the challenges I had finding help in the community, I made a promise to myself that when I was at a place to help others with pregnancy loss that I would. In 2016 I started taking trainings and doing research on psychotherapy and pregnancy loss. In October of 2017 I started offering a support group for miscarriage.

Having a miscarriage can make someone feel so alone. If you or someone that you love has had an early pregnancy loss please share this resource with them. No one should have to go through this alone.

For more information on pregnancy loss or to sign up for the free monthly support group please contact julie@kullcounselingmadison.com or 608.239.4807.

Honoring your due date

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Your "due date". 

If you have experienced an early pregnancy loss, you might be overwhelmed with emotions when thinking about these two words.  It might feel like a deadline for you or a last hurdle you are waiting for to move from depression to acceptance. You might even feel that your due date will be the time that you start letting yourself grieve. If you have experienced an early pregnancy loss an upcoming due date might be weighing heavily on your mind. According to clinical psychologist Kirstin Bouse, via www.essentialbaby.com, "Commemorating your baby's due date isn't just a way to reflect on how important your baby was to you, it's also a vital step in the grieving process."

While everyone must find the best way to grieve and honor their baby on their due date, here are some ideas that have helped others:

1. Find something that memorializes your baby.  You may find that it is healing to have something that memorializes your baby. You may find that a piece of jewelry that you can wear is meaningful- an initial, name, date or symbol can be printed on necklaces, rings or bracelets to help you remember your baby. You might find that getting a tattoo would help you to honor your baby. Other ideas include a statue, stuffed animal, plaque, or plant are ways that you might honor your baby. You might find it to be healing to create a memory box adding any pictures, poems, toys, outfits, or other momentos that help you to remember your baby.

2. Donate. Whether this is your time or money, you may find comfort in making a donation to a charity in honor of your baby on his/her due date. Donating can be a wonderful way to not only memorialize your baby but to also help others.

3. Surround yourself with family and loved ones. You may fine it helpful to surround yourself with loved ones on this day. Those who know and will help you to honor your baby. It may be helpful for you to talk about it with others, to have a celebration in your baby's honor or simply to just be surrounded by love.

4. Spend time alone. You may find it comforting to be alone.  You may want time to process what this day means to you by yourself. You may not want to talk about the day. You may find it comforting to write about your baby or use art to process your feelings about the day.

5. Take a vacation or a staycation.  You and your partner may enjoy taking time off from work to go out of town or to have a mini vacation in town. It might help you to celebrate the day by making some happy memories or it just might be a good distraction to get through the day.

These are a few suggestions that have helped others. Everyone grieves differently and you have to find what is right for you. If you are having a hard time processing your grief or are feeling stuck there is help.

For more information about grieving after a pregnancy loss please contact Kull Counseling, LLC at 608.239.4807 or julie@kullcounselingmadison.com