Am I a mother after a miscarriage?

As we near the month of May, two dates stand out each year. The first is Bereaved Mother’s Day, which is the first Sunday of the month and the second is Mother’s Day which is the second Sunday of the month.

Each year I have at least one client in my office that wonders, “am I a mother”. Having an early loss (before 20 weeks of gestation) can feel confusing of what that means. For many of you that is not a question that is easily answered.

Some of you may identify with being a mother or being a bereaved mother, but for others you may not. This idea of motherhood often is a label that people get stuck on because you may not identify as a mother but you also not identify as a bereaved mother, but it may also feel like you are not not a mother. The idea of motherhood or being a parent may also evolve for you as you process and grieve your loss.

However you identify is okay, it can be less isolating to go through loss with others and find a group of people that you identify with but whether you identify as a mother, parent, bereaved mother, or person that had a miscarriage is okay. And their might be a group for that. Please know that even if you don’t identify as a bereaved parent, it is still okay to look for support in these communities if you feel like it is a fit for you. It is important to just show up for yourself during this month. Notice what it brings up for you and if you would like support with what you went through. For more information on pregnancy loss or to work with a therapist in Madison contact me here.

The 6th stage of grief: finding meaning

David Kessler recently identified the sixth stage of grief as finding meaning in your loss. Kessler states, “meaning comes through finding a way to sustain your love for the person after their death while you’re moving forward with your life. Loss is simply what happens to you in life. Meaning is what you make happen.”

This concept of finding meaning in grief has been around for much longer. In the 1980’s Miles Model for Parental Grief describes the search for meaning as part of the reorganization phase of grief.

If you have experienced a pregnancy loss meaning making can be an important part of your grief process. In this article you will learn what meaning making is and ways to make meaning of your loss.

The concept of meaning making simply put is finding meaning around why this loss happened to you. No one wishes for a loss or is glad that it has happened but many of you may find some peace in finding purpose.

Here are 3 ways to make meaning in your grief:

1. Volunteer- some parents of loss have started non profits, other parents volunteer at organizations that support bereaved parents. Some of you may donate time or money.

   Local organizations: Mikayla’s Grace and Bereaved Parents of Madison both accept volunteers at different times of the year.

2. Advocate- some bereaved parents find meaning in advocating for policies that impact bereaved parents and infant and pregnancy loss.

3. Education/reducing stigma- Some of you may also find meaning making in educating others or reducing stigma by talking or writing about your loss. This may be in your social circles, on a social media platform, speaking at public events or writing news articles or blog posts.

If you have experienced a loss has meaning making been an important part of your grief? How have you found ways to make meaning of your loss? To learn more about stages of grief and pregnancy loss or to sign up for a free 15 minute phone consultation you can contact me here to work with a therapist Madison.

Pictured above, dropping off donations from Mikayla’s Grace to a local Nicu.