Surviving the holidays after early pregnancy loss/miscarriage

In 1963, Andy Williams sang, "It's the most wonderful time of the year."

If you have experienced an early pregnancy loss you may feel differently. The holidays can be a difficult time of the year for many, but can be especially difficult if you have experienced a  miscarriage.

You may be dreading parties because people do know and are uncomfortable about what to say or  people do not know and are asking when you are planning on starting or growing your family. Or maybe you are dreading opening holiday cards of pictures of friends and family with their children or you may be dreading sending out your own without your child. 

You might be celebrating the anniversary of your loss, a due date or your child's first holiday. Perhaps you were waiting for Christmas to announce your upcoming birth. You might have already made plans for what this holiday would look like with a new baby.  It is easy to feel triggered around the holidays when much of it is centered around family and children.

Wherever you are in your journey, and whatever stage you are at in your grief, here are a few ideas to help through the holiday season.

Update 2021: This is an article that I wrote a few years ago but I have found is still helpful for navigating the holidays today. That being said for most of you, the holidays will look much different this year in the midst of Covid-19. I think more than ever this year support is especially needed. Whether it is virtual, or socially distanced I encourage you to find your support people. If you are not getting the support you need, it is important to ask for it. You may find going through a pregnancy loss can be isolating.

Tips for getting through the holiday season after an early pregnancy loss:

1. Get extra support - You need additional support during this time. Whether this is doubling up on support groups,  additional therapy sessions or just making plans with those that support you and your loss. If you are  religious, this may include attending services or seeking support through other church members. 

Support groups for miscarriage in the Madison, WI area:

https://www.kullcounselingmadison.com/miscarriage-support-group/

http://www.bereavedparentsofmadison.com

2. Say No - You do not have to do everything. It is okay to say no, whether this is to a party, a family gathering or sending out holiday cards. You especially do not need to do anything that triggers you or that is not a good space for you right now.

3. Practice kindness - During the holidays you tend to practice gratitude and kindness towards each other. Practice kindness and gratitude towards yourself. You may feel like you should be over your grief by now or that you were doing so well and that you took a step backwards-be patient with yourself. Do extra self care during this season: cooking, going for a walk, yoga, practicing mindfulness, reading a book, talking to a friend, or going on a date with your partner are just a few ideas.

4. Honor your baby - you may find it comforting to start a tradition to remember your baby during the holidays. This may look like buying an ornament that honors them or lighting a candle on your holiday to honor their presence. It could be volunteering or buying a gift for someone in need. Whatever this may look like for you, if you want your baby to be part of your holidays you can do it and let the important people in your life know what you need to honor your baby so they can support you.

Please remember if you are grieving a miscarriage you are not alone. If you need help during the holidays, Kull Counseling can help. Please contact  608.239.4807 or julie@kullcounselingmadison.com for more information.

When pregnancy after a loss doesn't feel like a rainbow

You've experienced a perinatal loss and now you are pregnant again. The response of some people may be "I am so excited" or "I feel so lucky to be pregnant after a loss" but what if that isn't your response?  What if your response sounds more like "I am terrified or nervous" or "what if it happens again?". 

A rainbow baby is defined as a baby that is born after a miscarriage or stillbirth. In life a rainbow appears after a storm. The storm is perinatal loss and the rainbow is your beautiful baby that has emerged from the darkness (Urban Dictonary). While being able to get pregnant after a loss can be a relief and joy, it can also bring about a mixture of emotions.

Here are some common emotions that you may experience during a rainbow pregnancy:

Anxiety- Many couples experience intense anxiety during a pregnancy with a rainbow baby. After a loss your sense of security is gone. You may worry constantly about the health of your pregnancy. Women can have difficult times attaching to their pregnancies depending on physical symptoms for reassurance or worrying at the absence of them. You may feel like you will jinx the pregnancy if you start to plan for a baby; telling family and friends you are pregnant, buying items to bring the baby home, picking out names or even just getting excited about the pregnancy. Simple check-ups at the doctors office can turn into anxiety and nightmares. Even every day tasks can seem daunting as you worry about how it will effect the well being of your pregnancy.

Depression- You may feel intense feelings of sadness about your loss. You may have guilt about feeling happy or sad. Some couples wait until they have processed their loss before they start trying again, while others may start trying right away. Whether or not you waited to start trying again, getting pregnant again can bring such a sense of relief but it can also bring up feelings of sadness that you may have thought were gone. 

Grief- While you might have felt that you processed your grief from your loss, a pregnancy after a loss may bring up some of your grief again. It can feel like this pregnancy is supposed to replace your loss. You may struggle with honoring the child you lost while also honoring the child you are pregnant with. It may be an internal struggle to sit with your feelings of grief while also being happy for the new life inside of you.

If you are feeling mixed emotions about being pregnant again, you are not alone. How you feel about your pregnancy may change each day if not each hour. Anxiety, Depression and Grief are common emotions but so are Happiness, Relief and Hope. 

If you experiencing intense emotions during your rainbow pregnancy you are not alone. For counseling services please contact Kull Counseling, LLC at 608.239.4807 or email julie@kullcounselingmadison.com. For information on support groups please contact Bereaved Parents of Madison,

How to support someone suffering from anxiety

Anxiety is our body's natural response to a perceived threat. We all experience anxiety now and again when dealing with the stressors of life. However, many people experience such severe anxiety that it interferes with daily life and makes it extremely difficult to perform at work, maintain relationships; or start/finish tasks.   

The following highlights some common signs of anxiety and some questions to ask yourself to determine if your friend, family or loved one may be exhibiting those signs.

Common signs and questions to ask yourself to determine if a loved one has anxiety

1. Worry - Do they worry a lot? Do they worry about things they have little control over? Are they uncomfortable in situations that they cannot control?

2. Irritability - Do they feel keyed up, sometimes on edge?

3. Stress - Do they have a hard time feeling calm or an inability to relax?

4. Rumination - Do they have a hard time letting go of things- ruminating on something that was said or done a while after the incident occurred.

5. Negative thinking - Does this person have a lot of negative self talk or view of the world?

If these symptoms sound familiar, your loved one might be suffering from anxiety. The good news is you can help! Below are several Important tips to being a helpful and supportive ally, including several things to avoid when trying to support someone with anxiety:

1. Be a support person. Let this person talk to you about their feelings and emotions. Try not to judge what they are saying. 

2. Learn about about anxiety. The more you know the more you can be supportive. If you find anxiety frustrating, imagine how this person might feel. Think about a time when you felt anxious and how that felt. Imagine feeling that way every day or for prolonged periods of time.

3. Encourage the positives. Suggest positive coping skills such as: regular exercise, meditation, mindfulness, balanced nutrition, avoidance of caffeine and alcohol. Reinforce rational thinking and  help them try to avoid thoughts that are irrational.

Are you worried you may say the wrong thing? To help guide your conversation below are some hurtful phrases along with some more encouraging ones.

Hurtful-

"You should try to relax." "Don't worry about it." "Please try to calm down."

Helpful-

"How can I help?" "I am here to talk if you need someone." "I noticed that you did x even though you were really worried about it, I am proud of you."

Lastly, don’t be afraid to reach out because you won’t say the ‘right” thing. By talking to someone who is struggling with anxiety, you are already taking an important first step in making them feel heard, supported, and understood.

If someone you love is suffering from anxiety and needs help please contact Kull Counseling, LLC at 608.239.4807 or julie@kullcounselingmadison.com.

5 things no one tells you about a miscarriage

A miscarriage is defined as the loss of a pregnancy before 20 weeks. It is estimated that 1 in 5 women will have a miscarriage. While many women have a miscarriage, it still remains a taboo subject, and can be very isolating for a woman to go through. 

5 things no one tells you about a miscarriage:

1.  It is a major loss - Going through a miscarriage is a major loss; whether you were 4 weeks pregnant or 20 weeks pregnant. Every woman has a different reaction and experience with miscarriage, and needs time to process and grieve what they have gone through.

2. The physical process can last weeks, if not months - Some women will miscarry at home while others will require medical interventions. Miscarriages can last weeks before they are completed. Because hormones are in the body some woman can continue to experience pregnancy symptoms such as nausea and weight gain. Once a miscarriage has completed it can take months for a woman's body to acknowledge they are no longer pregnant.

3. The mental process can last longer - Miscarriages are tough to deal with and can make you feel alone. People will try their best to support you and help you through your miscarriage, but may not understand what you are experiencing. In addition many people do not feel comfortable discussing having a miscarriage, which can make it feel isolating when you are experiencing one.

4. Your partner's grief will be different than yours -  It can be difficult to understand how your spouse or significant other feels.  Everyone experiences grief differently. While your grief can be different it is still possible to support each other. Open communication is key in understanding your partners grief.

5. It's okay to want to try again - Medical providers have different recommendations on when you can start trying again. Some for medical reasons and others for emotional/mental readiness. No one can tell you when you will feel ready to try again. It is something that each person will have to assess for herself. 

Each person's experience with miscarriage is completely unique and there is no "right way" to process grief. Not every person that experiences a miscarriage will need extra support, but if you feel like you need support through a miscarriage please contact Kull Counseling, LLC at 608.239.4807 or julie@kullcounselingmadison.com. 

How to choose a therapist in Madison, WI

The idea of starting therapy can be a daunting one. Therapy is a very personal process and after a client's readiness for change, your therapeutic relationship can be one of the most important factors on whether or not psychotherapy/counseling is successful for you. Choosing a therapist is not like choosing a primary care doctor. It is someone that you will plan on seeing weekly for months and possibly years. So what should you look for when choosing a therapist? Here are some important things to look for when choosing the therapist that is right for you.

1. Initial Interaction-  From the initial phone call how does this person make you feel?  Do they return your message when they say they will? How do they act on the phone? In person? Is this someone that you can see yourself opening up to? Is this someone you want to spend time with? When you are in their office are they giving you their full attention? Are they engaged?

2. Experience-Has the therapist worked with the issue that you are seeking help for? Have they been successful at helping clients? How can they help you?

3. Cost/Investment- Have you thought about how you will pay for your sessions? Do you need/want  to use insurance? Do you know what  your mental health benefits are?Do you know what your deductible is? If you are not using insurance have you thought about what therapy might cost?  Are you prepared to make an investment in your self?

4. Therapy style- This may be their style of therapy ( e.g., theories they draw upon) but I think that even more important than this, is approach. Are they direct? Are they collaborative? Are the sessions going to be therapist led or client led? What theory or style of approach will work for you and make you most comfortable. Can they provide you with what you need? You may want a therapist that is gentle and client led sessions..but is that what you need?

5. Availability-Is this someone with a full practice and a line outside the door? Will this person be able or willing to respond to you if you are in crisis or have a need to contact your therapist outside the session. Does that matter to you?

Each therapist is very different as is each client and in Madison, WI you have plenty to choose from.  I encourage you to contact a few therapists before making a choice on who you want to see on a regular basis. Over and over I have heard clients say that yes they have been to therapy before usually years ago but that their therapist wasn't a match. Please take the time to find someone that is a good fit for you.

For more information on finding the right therapist or for therapy resources in Madison, WI please contact Kull Counseling, LLC.

5 tips for handling a panic attack

A panic attack is an intense period of uncontrollable anxiety that can last up to ten minutes. Symptoms include increased heart rate, shortness of breath, sweats, chest pain, and can mimic those of a heart attack. Panic attacks can be very intense and scary.

Here are 5 things you can do when experiencing a panic attack:

1. Remove yourself from the situation if possible. If you are driving pull over. If you are in a crowd step to the side.

2. Take a deep breath. Whether this is your 4 square breathing or your yoga breath it does not matter. Find one that works for you and stick with it until the feeling subsides.

3. Remind yourself that you have been here before. You have gotten through these feelings before and you will get through them again.

4. Relax. Find the places in your body that are tense and relax them.

5. Get help! Once that panic attack subsides and you are okay, find a therapist that can help you decrease or stop panic attacks.

For more information on panic attacks or panic disorder please contact me at julie.c.kull@gmail.com.

Being present this holiday season

Christmas is my favorite time of year. I have always loved this season because there is just something magical in the air that brings me back to being a kid. It also doesn't hurt that my birthday is 3 days after Christmas, so for me it has always been a back-to-back celebration. However, as I get older I find it harder to slow down and simply enjoy the holidays. Perhaps it is all the build up to the holidays or the fact that as an adult I am now responsible for making sure everything runs smooth. Either way, it just seems hard to be present and be in the moment. 

Now that the prep work is (almost) done, here are five ideas to stay present and enjoy the holiday season.

1. Lower your expectations - We live in a world where we want everything to be perfect or just right. By lowering our expectations and going into the holidays with an open mind we immediately have a better chance of enjoying the holidays.

2. Be grateful - Perhaps it is the family in the room or perhaps it is enjoying a quiet holiday by yourself. No matter how you are celebrating, take time to think about what you are grateful for.

3. Avoid the drama - Let's face it, holidays can be stressful. If you don't get along with someone or are upset about how someone is acting save it for another day. Remember this isn't just your holiday and how you act sets a tone for everyone at your holiday.

4. Be mindful - Take a moment to bring awareness to your senses. What do you hear, smell, see, feel and taste?

5. Reflect - Take time to reflect on the holiday once it is over. Whether it is in a journal or in your head, record what you want to remember and how it made you feel.

For whatever holiday you choose to celebrate this season, here's to being present at your holiday and a Happy New Year!

What is Anxiety?

What is anxiety and how do I know if I have it?

Everyone experiences anxiety at some point in their life. Anxiety is your body's natural response to a perceived threat. Anxiety becomes a concern when you are experiencing it so often that it is interfering with your daily functioning.

Anxiety manifests differently in each person. Here are some common symptoms of anxiety that you may be experiencing:

1. Racing thoughts, feeling like you cannot turn your mind off
2. Racing heart beat, feeling like you just sprinted a mile
3. Feeling keyed up, on edge, irritable
4. Trouble sleeping
5. Change in appetite
6. Feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness
7. Persistant muscle tension
8. Difficulty concentrating

Are you experiencing any of these symptoms? Contact Kull Counseling, LLC to find out how I can help.